Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
