last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I CAN MOONWALK!
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
