She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
