9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
