I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
