So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
