Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
