I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
