is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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