i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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