i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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