Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
