She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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