Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
sex in a hospital.. check
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
there is puke in my bra ... again
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
