OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
