so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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