She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Is Oprah even human
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
