Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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