who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
