chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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