It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
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Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
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Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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