we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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