Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
