Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
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I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
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I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
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