I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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