yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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