My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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