omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
