I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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