so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
