You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
