My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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