we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
