Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
