There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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