Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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