Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just had sex bonerless
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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