In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
