I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
