Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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