Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
