I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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