i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
