I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
