I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
