Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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