Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
