I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
