Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
