She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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