I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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