I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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