He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
