party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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