It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
