Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
