I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
