I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
