don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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