so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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